Life Lately: On Grief

It’s been awhile since I posted on here. Some of you may know that on July 11th, my father passed away.

On June 11th, exactly one month prior to his passing, we found out he had stage 4 colon cancer that spread to his liver. To say that the last 6 have been the most difficult of my entire life is a complete understatement. I’ve never had to deal with grief and for those of you who unfortunately have, know it’s the most debilitating, lonely (even when you’re not alone) feeling in the entire world. It feels like you’re a balloon and the air has been sucked out of you.

Before today, I didn’t have the strength to post on my blog. My father would check my blog regularly and as soon as a new post would go up, he’d message me. The fact that he’ll no longer be checking was just too painful for me. Even typing these words into a draft is a lot to deal with, but I’m slowly trying to deal with this huge loss.

They say that “grief is not linear.” I’ve heard that dozens of times over the last few weeks, but man, is it true. The first week after he passed was brutal. I’ve never cried so much in my entire life. Now, I’m able to distract myself and feel moments of happiness, but then something will trigger the fact that he’s gone. The other day, I saw a box of Wilson tennis balls and I lost it. Tennis was a huge part of my fathers life – he played it every weekend, watched it on TV whenever it was on and every year, we’d have a father/daughter date and I’d take him to the US Open. Even growing up, I’d join my father on the tennis courts and he would take turns playing with me and with his buddies. I don’t know how I’ll watch a match on TV and not feel such an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

It’s been really hard, especially after the already impossible year that we’ve had.

I’ve also been told that grief is like a wave. Some waves will hit you like a ton of bricks and knock the life out of you. It’s still so fresh, so that’s been happening a lot. However, as the days go on, I’ve been trying my best to focus on gratitude. I know it will get easier with time (so I’m told) and I’m eager for those days.

A few things that have helped me over the last few weeks:

My family & friends: I’ve never had to lean on them more. They are the biggest gift in all of this.

Talking about it: I’ve learned that everyone grieves differently. For me, talking about it has helped a lot. I know many don’t know how to handle a person who just lost someone. I’ve noticed that some people won’t bring it up because they’re not sure if they should. What I can say is that something as small as a “how have you been doing?” goes a long way.

Sweating: this has never been so important. It’s truly been like a form of medicine for me and when I’m feeling particularly down or stressed out, I say to Keith: “I have to get a workout in…”

Having things to look forward to: This has always been important to me, but now more than ever. The first two weeks, I didn’t have the physical or mental energy to make plans. I just wanted to allow myself to be sad.  Now, it’s been helping me deal with the loss.

Getting creative: I finally have the urge to pour myself into projects and this blog. Before this week, I wasn’t in the mood and I really didn’t want to force it.

Therapy:  Let me start off by saying that this afternoon, I have my first (virtual) therapy session. It’s obviously premature to say whether it’s helping, but making the appointment is a major step in the right direction. I’ve received so many kind and helpful messages from those who’ve experienced loss. For those who spoke to a therapist or grief counselor, expressed how much it helped in the healing process.

As time goes on, I plan to share the process. I truly feel that grief needs to be spoken about more and in turn, I hope it helps someone else going through something similar.

For those of you who reached out to me, thank you. There are not enough words to express how your messages, experiences, kind words and stories have helped.